Developer Scope Creeps warns me as I boot up gun dating simulator Polyarmory: High Calibre Love that it is a team very much dedicated to the bit, and I didn’t have to go any further than its options menu to figure that out.
For starters, there’s a toggle for BDSM clowns—much appreciated for those of us more fearful of the circus—but there’s also options for those oh-so-scary pronouns. You can turn them off, if you like, and Polyarmory will helpfully cross out anything that comes close to assigning you a gender. Or, if you’re a true patriot, you can turn on USA pronouns and experience the entire game with handy substitutes like BOSTON, APPLE PIE, EAGLE, and PROSECUTE FAUCI.
Of course, the whole thing is absolutely dripping in satire. I’d expect nothing less from OxyOxspring, the same mind behind the racy photography game OnlyCans. Yes, the one where you take sexy pictures of soda. This time it’s all about hot people with guns for heads as I play a doomsday prepper (and gun-nut conspiracy theorist) who, I think, is drugged outta their gourd. I mean, you gotta be to envision your shotgun as a hunky British bloke in a Kazuma Kiryu-ass getup.
I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface across my few in-game days played, but the whole thing is batshit insane from the get go. I can spend the daytime chatting up my arsenal—outside of delectable shotgun Rimington there’s revolver Viper, dommy mommy RPG Svetlana, and joined-at-the-hip SMGs Marsh and Mello. All while listening to my “truth-telling podcast” that wallows about how much regulation has tightened over the years, or watching some good ol’ American television about, like, chicken eggs or something.
At nighttime, I can take my guns out to fire away at waves of baddies, and pulling off a shot that my chosen weapon likes elicits a moan and floaty hearts out of whoever I just gunned down. Completely satisfying a weapon even grants me a little dreamy cutscene—again, filled with moans. Maybe keep your headphones on for this one.
Most importantly, Polyarmory is just incredibly funny. I walk in on a Dungeons and Dragons session the guns are holding, who invite me in to play an NPC or two. I can politely turn them down, or straight-up declare tabletop RPGs as Satanism. I get in a deep conversation with Marsh and Mello about lesbian videogames. Every little bit of dialogue pokes fun at the more ridiculous aspects of conservative thinking (which, to be fair, is a lot of it), exposing the ridiculousness of it all without ever getting too in the weeds and pulling away from the absurdity of Polyarmory.
The best part? Polyarmory is free which, based on just my first couple hours of the game, feels like daylight robbery for how good it is. For something that costs nothing and only demands around eight hours of your time, it would be silly not to give this rootin’ tootin’ smoochin’ gun dating sim a whirl.
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