Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator is my most-played game over the last month, a simple “line go up” game where you buy, sell, and short against the predicted events of an alien baby’s life. These alien babies can range from war-heroes-turned-generals to unlucky foundry workers who die in the factory they’re born into.
Each baby life is mapped as a series of planet-specific events like “BOUGHT HOVERCAR COULDN’T AFFORD.” For me these lines sit in the same universe as “Pancaked by drunk dump truck driver” from Tim Robinson’s show I Think You Should Leave. These are my favorites:
- INFLUENCER HOUSE BURNED DOWN
- RAN OUT OF BREATH DURING KARAOKE
- HAUNTED AT MARKET BY CROP CREATURE
- LEARNED WHAT BOOKS ARE (detrimental)
- SHARED HOPES AND DREAMS WITH COMRADES
- SOLD STOCKS BEFORE MAJOR STRIKE (positive)
- ARRESTED FOR REPAIRING FARMING EQUIPMENT
- CHARRED BY MAGMA SPILL
- SUCCESSFUL VISIT TO ORACLE
- TAMED GREAT SERPENT BROOD
- BITTEN BY ANIMATRONIC GRIFFIN
- HUNTED BIG GAME ON UNDEVELOPED PLANET
- DRAGGED THROUGH STREETS BY DRUNK TEENS
The deadpan comedy of seeing MARRIED FOR SURVIVAL (age 64) stamped on screen in allcaps is very good. Major, trivial, and embarrassing life moments recorded as a cold, financial ticker, each year passing as one second.
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