The reasons behind the decline and ultimate end of Destiny 2 will always be a topic of discussion. It’s, in my opinion, one of the biggest fumbles in entertainment history. No one thing is to blame, but former Bungie CEO and avid car collector Pete Parsons, who retired in August 2025 as sentiment was at an all-time low and pressure from Sony grew, is the focus of much of the ire. “I hope all your cars break down,” one player wrote in a cheerful farewell to the departing CEO last year, in a rare moment of community unity.
I’m surprised it took this long, but this distaste for ol’ Parsons has manifested into the most on-the-nose thing it could have done for the Destiny community—one final raid poking fun at him. Created by parody account Pete Carsons on X, you’re invited to The Vault of Cars, a play on Destiny’s first-ever raid, The Vault of Glass.
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“Do you have what it takes to face Pete Carsons in the Vault of Cars and stop him from purchasing all of the remaining cars in The Last City?” I don’t think any die-hard Destiny player is gonna say no, now, are they?
It’s a browser game that starts with Pete Parsons talking like a Canadian in South Park before he turns into the flying machine, the Destroyer of Guardians. Then the fight begins. It’s satire obviously, but it’s got genuine mechanics lifted from the source material, to its credit:
- Fling tomatoes at a collection of classic cars (named things like Micro Management, Crunch Enforcer, Bankruptcy Expert, and so on) to stack the Contaminated Fuel buff.
- Complete a parody of the iconic Oracles puzzle from the actual Vault of Glass.
- Beat the powerful Investors that Pete calls to his defence.
- Hurl tomatoes at Pete Carsons until your Guardian’s Desire buff runs dry and you need to repeat the process.
Mimicking Bungie’s tradition, the account hosted a World’s First completion for faux raid, requiring players to submit a video of their full clear of the raid, including the final cutscene. About two hours after it launched yesterday, the account claimed that players had completed the raid and submitted their clears: “Please give us some time to review all the submissions to verify which came first.” Sadly no cool raid belt for the lucky winner to commemorate the occasion.
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