According to an app I downloaded 2 years, 11 months, 25 days, and 3 hours ago, I quit nicotine 2 years, 11 months, 25 days, and 2.9 hours ago. This was after smoking a pack a day from 1991 to 2016 and then vaping god knows how much from 2016 until almost three years ago.
But I quit, and I’ve stayed quit, and I feel great! I feel really, really… I feel…
And yeah, even cigarettes in games make me want to smoke. Maybe it’s just my endless cravings talking, but there seems to be more smoking in games now than there has been in the past. Just a few recent examples: RV There Yet? is full of cute cig-puffing travelers. The mischievous gnomes in the trailer for Burglin’ Gnomes take a moment to smoke some butts under a bed. In Gamble With Your Friends, smoking is an emote.
Wait a minute. Those are all friendslop games. Is friendslop trying to peer pressure me into smoking? This is high school all over again!
Point is, even as they’re chased from most of mainstream society, cigarettes are still incredibly common in games from Cyberpunk 2077 to Disco Elysium. And as I pause in typing this to unwrap another piece of gum so I have something to do with my mouth, I think it’s time for me to ask for a little help from gamedevs.
Please, gamedecs. Just give me something like arachnophobia mode, but for cigarettes. A toggle in the settings, an arac-no-smoke-ia mode, that replaces those delicious cigs with something else. Lollipops, maybe (a good crutch if you’ve recently quit, by the way). Or a kazoo. A pretzel rod, a drinking straw, a toothpick, a slide-whistle. Anything that won’t instantly trigger my addiction would be appreciated.
And instead of that beautiful plume of smoke, maybe an effect that is less appealing. Bubbles, perhaps. Feathers. Dandelion seeds. Or how about nothing? Nothing is an option. Whatever helps me stop remembering that life used to be enjoyable 20 times a day.
That’s my little request. Thank you! And for any impressionable nonsmokers reading this: don’t smoke. Don’t ever start. Don’t ever even try it. Yes, it’s incredibly cool and it’s supremely satisfying but it will destroy your lungs, your teeth, and your bank account, and you’ll eventually have to quit, and quitting will suck, and you’ll wind up being a miserable shell of a human who can’t rewatch Mad Men or Midnight Run.
Also: don’t vape. not because it’s just as expensive and just as bad for your health, but because it doesn’t even look cool.
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